Like a Cannon Made of Paper-Mache

Dear Ellie,

So we found the source of that bloody poop and... its not much to worry about.  At first, the doctors were concerned about NEC, which is indeed worthy of stressing about.  However, you weren't showing any of the outward symptoms.  Then, they noticed tiny little cuts on the inside of your anus called "anal fissures"...

And there we have it, this letter just got a lot less comfortable.  Hopefully, though, I have embarrassed and mortified you enough in your life by the time you read this letter that you'll be plenty used to that kind of thing.  So that being said, let's talk about your anal fissures just a little bit more.  For Science.

Apparently, you've been blasting poop out of your butt with such vigor and enthusiasm that it tore a hole or two in the thin tissue of your anus.  This is very notable and impressive because not many babies as small as you get anal fissures.  If I haven't illustrated sufficiently, just imagine a ball of iron being shot from a cannon made of paper-mache.  Now imagine the cannon afterword.

I suppose you take after me in a lot of ways.  I earned quite the reputation back in college when I had to share a bathroom.  Anyway...

I promise I'll purge every last one of these letters from every obscure corner of the internet before you ever go on your first date.